This would have been my first week back to work after a little over two months home with sweet Bobby. Just like everyone says, the time absolutely flew by. But it felt all kinds of different from my first maternity leave with Ruthie 'Cause I'm not goin' back.
As many moms do, I had a rough time going back to work after my first, Ruthie, was born. A few days after bringing her home from the hospital, I started to feel the annoying weight of the 12 week maternity leave clock. After my 6 week postpartum checkup? Full-on anxiety over the weeks, days, minutes we had left together. I felt guilty doing the dishes because I should have spent that time with Ruthie. I wore her endlessly to try to make every second count. I slept with her right next to me so I wouldn't waste the hours overnight. I didn't like to put her in the car because I couldn't hold her while she was in her car seat (geezus, I might be insane). Suddenly time was up and I had to force myself away from her side and into my car...alone. I cried for days, made myself feel horribly guilty, and tried to ignore the nagging feeling that I was making the wrong choice (for me, I totally understand this isn't the experience of every mother or father). In the hours outside of those spent in the office, I was obsessed with time and never left Ruthie's side.
When I found out we had another on the way, the thought of heading back to a typical workweek with a two hour daily commute felt flat-out impossible. I was spending more time at work than at home, and I definitely wasn't passionate enough about my job to justify the time away. And with TWO babies?? My stomach tightened every time I thought about it. At the same time, the thought of not working absolutely terrifies me. Not only the financial aspect (although that is a HUGE part), but what if I fall behind the competition? What if I can't find a job when I decide I'm ready to (or finances decide that I need to) go back? What about the example I was setting for Ruthie by working AND momming?
Two and a half months into this leave, I feel none of the insane pressure I put on myself before. I am 99% sure that is because I'm not hyper aware of the invisible hourglass reminding me how little time I have left to witness the teeny babe stage in all it's glory. I might find down the road that I don't love staying home as much as I thought I would, or that we can't afford it, or maybe Ruthie will say "dude, go back to work I see you way too much", but I'm so excited and wierdly proud to be giving myself the chance to find out.
Thanks to Austin for agreeing to try and make it work <3.